Saturday, April 12, 2008

Crazy . . . Nelly Furtado

Another one of my favorite songs that has meant different things to me at different stages of recent past. Last year was a turning point in my life as I discovered who I am as a person and what I want out of life at a time when I would have times that I thought I was going crazy.

The following post best describes those feelings . . .

Originally posted on January 28, 2007

There are events that happen in your life that change your life . . . the most notable ~ birth, marriage, death. Most of you know I am a widow, my husband passed away four years ago. Needless to say, it has been a rough road and there are times I think I am going crazy. Maybe I am . . . possibly . . . as the song says.

After yet another soul searching day, I came back, read what I wrote today and then went back to read my old journals from the first days of being alone. Although it may seem like I am going crazy at times, it is actually the progression of progress that I am experiencing at the moment. What I finally realized tonight is that I have entered the phase in my life where I am actually ready to move on. I have been at that fork in the road for a very long time. The craziness I have felt is indecision and fear of what is down either road that I turn on. Don't we all go through that in life at one time or another? It has just taken me longer since I have had to deal with shock, grief, depression and learn how to survive alone . . . all at the same time. As I think back from where I've come, no wonder I feel crazy sometimes. I have been through a range of emotions that were all tossed together and thrown on me all at one time.

I walked that path and I survived it alone . . . now as I stand at the fork in the road, I can finally realize that I am definitely overwhelmed, but not crazy and I don't really think I am suffering from depression anymore. I can tell by going back to my journals.

My expensive shrink that I went to so many years ago was right about journaling. When you have things bothering you, the best thing to do is to write. Let the words flow, let yourself ramble and ask yourself silly questions. The beauty of blogs is that I believe they can help someone else. Sometimes simply knowing that your life is going better than someone else's will take your mind off what is bothering you. It does me and I've been redundant with this point, but I feel it is so important for someone who is just getting into blogging. There is always someone going through a more difficult struggle than you are, no matter who you are or what you are going through . . . the struggles come in different ranges and degrees.

I hope my ramblings help someone else since I am walking through the path that has taken me through so many changes. I'll not feel ashamed of any feeling or thought that comes to me because they are real and are a part of me. If I deny them, I'm not being true to myself.

There is something that I am most proud of and the one single thing that has shown me that I have the power within me to do whatever I want to do with the rest of my life with strength and courage . . . I quit smoking . . . a three pack a day smoker for more years than I care to mention put them down forever on November 16.

After a bittersweet day, I'm feeling pretty damn good about myself tonight! Hell no, I'm not crazy!

God gave me the strength to show myself that if I could quit smoking through a bad time, get through the death of my husband and see progress four years later . . . I'm ready to kick ass with the rest of my life!

See all the thoughts that a song will bring out in me? Music soothes the soul . . .

Crazy . . . Nelly Furtado (live)

Gnarls Barkley's version on YouTube has requested no embedding . . . too bad . . . they don't know free publicity when they see it . . . I won't even play his version of the song even though I have it and could put it on a player . . . by this time, I think people are saying Gnarls Barkley who? . . . yeah, one hit wonder? Nelly Furtado's version is way superior anyway! Sorry if I seem cynical . . .


I remember when, I remember, I remember when I lost my mind
There was something so pleasant about that place.
Even your emotions had an echo
In so much space

And when you're out there
Without care,
Yeah, I was out of touch
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough
I just knew too much

Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy
Does that make me crazy

And I hope that you are having the time of your life
But think twice, that's my only advice

Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you, who do you think you are,
Ha ha ha bless your soul
You really think you're in control

Well, I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
I think you're crazy
Just like me

My heroes had the heart to lose their lives out on a limb
And all I remember is thinking, I want to be like them
Ever since I was little, ever since I was little it looked like fun
And it's no coincidence I've come
And I can die when I'm done

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe you're crazy
Maybe we're crazy

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